Celebrating Victories in Therapy Helped Me Grow Even More
Photo by Pouya Hajiebrahimi on Unsplash
A few months ago, I locked my keys in my car in the grocery store parking lot. My plans for the evening, which had already changed twice, were in shambles.
Years, or even months, before, I would have panicked about the changing plans and not knowing exactly what was coming next. I would have panicked about being alone an hour from home. I would have certainly panicked about my keys, about the unexpected cost, about needing to call locksmiths and figure out which one could come and help me.
But it didn’t occur to me to panic.
What Helped Me Change?
At first, I had been hesitant about EMDR. It sounded a bit “out there,” like hypnosis, and my upbringing had led me to be hesitant of anything that might be adjacent to “New Age.” Eventually, though, I picked up a copy of The Body Keeps the Scoreand read about the wonderful results that patients had found through the process—the peace that they were able to experience. When my therapist recommended it, I took her up on the offer.
Together, we developed tools for grounding that I could use if I got too far outside my Window of Tolerance. We did some target planning (identifying memories and ideas that I wanted to work through), described a negative cognition that I wanted to address, and identified a positive cognition that I wanted to replace it with: I am capable and can find safety.
Months went by when I walked away from our sessions exhausted, with sweaty palms and a racing heart. I took many naps to rest and recuperate my emotional energy. After a while, though, it became easier. My capacity grew, and my Window of Tolerance expanded. By the time I locked my keys in that car, I had been working with my therapist for over a year.
Expanding Capacity
Instead of panicking, I called my parents (whose car I was borrowing) and determined quickly that there were no spare keys, but their insurance would pay for a locksmith. I let the friend I was meeting know that I would be late, called local locksmiths, and figured out that only one was still open. I called the locksmith—a man I didn’t know—to my location. And while I waited for him to arrive, I sat on the hood of the car in the bright sunshine and ate the salad that I had just bought.
As I soaked in the sun, listening to the faint breeze rustling the leaves, a distinct thought entered my mind: I am capable and can find safety.
I stood up straight. I realized, in a moment, how far I had come. I saw what might have happened alongside what did happen, and the difference put a smile on my face. It was working.
In the time since, I have brought more victories like this to my therapist, and we have celebrated together. Sometimes, she has to remind me of a change that I would have just skimmed right over. “Did you hear that?” she’ll say. “A year ago, that might have been really difficult for you. When you first came to me, you didn’t even see this was holding you back. Now, look at you!”
Resisting Negativity
I have a tendency, like many of us do, to only see my shortcomings. I see that I’m not making the money that I wish I was making, not hitting the milestones that I wanted to hit, not visiting the people I wanted to visit. It’s far too easy to ignore the progress that I am making, even if it’s not intentional.
But rushing past those successes can be detrimental. “When people celebrate their achievements,” we learn from a 2017 study, “they are more likely to remain motivated and pursue further goals, creating a positive feedback loop of success and satisfaction.” In other words, celebrating our successes, no matter how small, helps us keep up our motivation and maintain the momentum that helps us to grow.
If we fail to celebrate and instead always seek greater productivity and the next goal in the line, we can give into our negativity bias. When we only see the negatives, that can easily lead to burnout.
Life overseas can be incredibly difficult. You are operating every day in a language that is not your original tongue, in a culture that may be unfamiliar, with family and dear friends many miles and expensive flights away. The stresses of that life can lead to strain in marriages, friendships, and even within yourself as you try to keep all those plates spinning.
If you only focus on everything you have done wrong, “can’t” handle, or even what you still need to improve, chronic stress and burnout may loom large. At See Beyond, though, we want to help you “Do Better, Stay Longer.” Giving yourself a minute to pause, acknowledge your growth, and celebrate those wins will not only improve your mood, but it can help you develop healthier patterns that support longevity in your host country.
So what can you celebrate today? Is it taking a step to handle fixing something in your home? Carrying on a conversation with your local hanut owner in your new host language, even though you were tired and overwhelmed? Remembering the name of a cashier at your local grocery store? Whatever your personal milestone might be, take some time to celebrate it today. Mention it to your spouse or your friends. Make a special treat, or break out a candy from “home” that you’ve been saving.
If you could use an experienced counselor to come alongside you as you work on your goals—someone to help you untangle your story and recognize your progress as you walk through it together—consider reaching out to our licensed therapists at See Beyond. We are all here to help you do better and stay longer.
