Warning: The Stressors in an Overseas Marriage
Written by Marci Renée
Photo by Farsai Chaikulngamdee on Unsplash
I can remember people telling me, “If you already have problems—in your life, in your marriage, in your relationships—they will only get worse when you go overseas. And, if you don’t have problems in your relationships now, you will!”
Before moving abroad, I didn’t really understand what they meant.
But once our family landed on the soil of North Africa, I understood very well.
Living in another country, learning a foreign language, adjusting to the heat, being far from family and friends, not having the familiar comforts of my “home country,” feeling lonely and isolated—the list goes on and on—all added stress to my life and to my relationships.
All of my relationships felt strained—my relationships with my children, my extended family on the other side of the ocean, my work colleagues, and my friends.
However, the relationship that seemed to be hit the hardest was my marriage!
Potential Stresses in Overseas Marriage
“With all the packing and planning that goes into moving abroad, many couples forget to prepare for one of the most important changes of all: the one their marriage goes through. Studies show that moving abroad places numerous stresses on a marriage—stresses that can either make or break the relationship,” according to Expat Arrivals.
These stresses may include feelings of isolation in being separated from friends and family, the unfamiliarity of living in a foreign culture and language, and lifestyle changes such as new accommodations, domestic help, and an elevated social status.
This all adds up!
The cracks in the marriage can quickly be exposed from all of the chaos and disorientation of an overseas move.
"When you move abroad, it's like your marriage is thrown into a pot and shaken," says psychotherapist Susan Raunegger. "Sometimes, real growth can come out of that.”
Some couples actually thrive in the stress and excitement of an adventure living abroad together. However, many don’t.
In a study conducted by Mark Mendenhall, a social psychologist, and J. Stewart Black, a professor at the University of Michigan School of Business, “Up to 40 percent of foreign assignments are cut short, many because the family fails to adjust to life abroad.”
Those statistics are quite daunting. Actually, they are terrifying!
Even when employers conduct interviews with couples to determine their flexibility and adaptability to change and their ability to cope with culture shock, it’s hard to discern how well a marriage will do overseas.
What Determines If Your Move Abroad Will Make or Break Your Marriage?
Expectations
According to psychologists and researchers, the expectations of each spouse are a major determining factor of marital success during an overseas experience.
For example, military, diplomat, or ministry couples tend to do better living abroad than the average couple, because they expect to make a move overseas at some point in their married life. On the other hand, an unexpected move abroad can be very disruptive and straining on a marital relationship.
Children
Another important factor comes if the couple moves abroad with children. In this case, the couple may quickly divide into working and “trailing spouse”—depending on the age of the children.
Photo by Timo Stern on Unsplash
Role Change
For example, the working spouse may be taking on a new job, with a new boss and new responsibilities. On the other hand, the trailing spouse may be struggling to cope in a foreign environment at home without having the usual support of family and friends.
Or, perhaps the trailing spouse left a job that he or she loved in order to follow the other spouse abroad, and/or perhaps he or she didn’t want to move overseas. In this case, there is a real shock in the marriage relationship.
This can lead to what author Robin Pascoe describes as a "seismic shift in the balance of the relationship.”
In her book, A Moveable Marriage, Relocate Your Relationship Without Breaking It, she commented, “The thrill of being a stay-at-home mom they thought they wanted to be usually wears off after about 48 hours.”
Fatigue
Another stress that isn’t anticipated in a cross-cultural move is fatigue. Learning a new language, adjusting to a new culture, navigating a new job, or helping kids adjust to a new school all induce an incredible emotional, mental, and physical fatigue.
This exhaustion can zap any energy that you may have been formerly investing in the romantic side of your marriage. When you are tired physically and emotionally—simply trying to survive—any desire for physical intimacy can also be zapped. When the needs of your spouse are not being met, more stress is added to the explosive mix.
Challenges Become Excitement
Yes, there are certainly challenges and stressors placed on our marriages when we move abroad. However, may we never forget the exciting adventure that we are sharing with our spouse and children!
The key is to work through the challenges together—rather than against each other.
According to Expat Arrivals, “many expatriates report that moving abroad turned an ordinary marriage into an exceptional partnership that lasted long after the strains of relocation had passed.”
That’s what I desire for my marriage and my other relationships—an “exceptional partnership.” What about you?
Guest author, Marci Renée, along with her French husband and four boys, is a global nomad who has traveled to more than 30 countries and has lived in the United States, France, Morocco, and Spain. She loves to travel, speak foreign languages, experience different cultures, eat ethnic foods, meet people from faraway lands, and of course, write and tell stories. She is a published author of children's picture books, memoirs, short stories, and poetry.
You can find Marci and her books on her website.
"The Cultural Story-Weaver," at www.culturalstoryweaver.com