How Do I Learn to Be Still?
Written by Marci Renée
Photo by Jacki Drexler on Unsplash
Every day I walk the same path on my morning stroll with my dog. In this one spot, just off the sidewalk, there is a patch of grass. Actually, it’s more like a patch of overgrown weeds. In that place sits a bench.
One bench . . . one random bench sitting in the middle of nowhere.
From the perspective of someone sitting on the bench, there isn’t much to see. There is no playground equipment where you can watch your children play. There is no beautiful scenery to admire—no trees, no water, no mountains. There is no activity to observe—no people, no cars, no animals.
Often, when passing this bench, I would say to myself, “Who would ever just sit there in the middle of nowhere?”
As a typical North American, I don’t just sit. If I sit, I have to be doing something—reading, watching TV, eating, doing a craft, playing cards, working on my laptop, playing a board game, folding laundry, paying bills, journaling . . .
My list of things I do could go on and on. I don’t just sit—sit and do nothing. I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to “do nothing.”
It would actually go against everything that is ingrained in me from my culture. My North American mindset tells me that I have to be busy, be productive, be working, be making good use of time, be active, be doing. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, as long as I am doing something!
What Exactly Does it Mean to “Do Nothing”?
It’s honestly hard to define what “doing nothing” is, because we are always doing something. Even while we sleep, we are dreaming and processing memory.
The Dutch actually have a word for “doing nothing.” They call it “niksen.” The practical side of this concept is “to take conscious, considered time and energy to do activities like gazing out of a window or sitting motionless.”
Here are a few definitions of niksen from experts:
Doreen Dodgen-Magee, a psychologist who studies boredom and wrote the book, Deviced! Balancing Life and Technology in a Digital World, describes niksen as “a car whose engine is running but isn’t going anywhere. The way I think about boredom is coming to a moment with no plan other than just to be,” she said.
Sandi Mann, a psychologist at the University of Central Lancashire in Britain, goes on to describe niksen as “when we’re not doing the things we should be doing. Because perhaps we don’t want to, we’re not motivated. Instead, we’re not doing very much.”
Why Can’t I Stop?
Why is it so hard for me to stop doing? Why can’t I just sit still and do nothing?
1. I’m addicted. “Getting things done is like a drug to so many of us: we’re addicted to the feeling of ticking items off a to-do list.”
“You feel good for being productive: it’s a dopamine release just like with any other addiction,” says psychologist Marny Lishman. This dopamine rush increases your heart rate and blood pressure and stimulates the nervous system. Research shows that a release of dopamine can actually increase our motivation to take on more.
2. Our brains have become rewired. Technology, like the smartphones we carry with us 24/7, makes it almost impossible to really unplug and become idle. “By keeping ourselves busy at all times, we may be losing our ability to sit still because our brains are actually being rewired.”
3. We multitask. “Years ago, people had one role and one task at a time that they’d do before moving onto the next,” explains Lishman. “Now, we multitask. We’re getting busier, and the more we do, the more we get used to doing.” This mentality of multitasking is causing us to expect more and more from ourselves. We are never satisfied and need to keep doing “more.”
4. We feel lazy. Our society tells us that we have to work hard, keep busy, be productive. If we don’t do that all the time, we feel lazy and guilty for not “doing” something.
5. We feel important. We want people to think we are productive, hard workers. If we are busy getting stuff done and “doing,” maybe people will like us more and think more highly of us. According to the New York Times, “Running from place to place and laboring over long to-do lists have increasingly become ways to communicate status : I’m so busy because I’m just so important, the thinking goes.” It’s also one of the reasons few of us stop long enough from work to take a much-needed vacation.
6. We are afraid. If we sit quickly and sit still, we have to face our inner self. Oftentimes, we stay busy and distracted in order to avoid going to that deep place in our soul.
How Do I Learn to Stop?
How do I stop all the “doing”? How do I learn to be still and do nothing? How do I learn how to sit and just “be”? How can I learn the art of “non-doing”?
1. Become aware of our chaotic and frantic productivity. Awareness is the first step to stopping a bad habit and starting a new one. “If you’re on the go all the time, you need to notice that and do something about it,” Lishman suggests. For example, if you are feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by all your tasks and to-do lists, it might be a good idea to notice that, stop, and be less productive for a while.
2. Schedule “stop time.” We can schedule in “doing nothing,” just like we do our other tasks in our agenda. Lishman says, “Prioritize some time in your day to stop, and try to see it as being as important as being productive. Schedule your work time and some space for doing nothing in your day.”
3. Learn what “doing nothing” means for you. Relaxing looks and feels different for everybody. Perhaps it means just sitting and staring at absolutely nothing. Maybe it’s doing something that has no real goal, objective, or reason—like listening to music, staring at the sky, walking on the beach, playing with your kids, taking a bath, laying down and resting your body. According to Lishman, it must be something that is “not productive, so it switches on the relaxation response in your nervous system.”
4. Try mindfulness. Try using some of the ideas and suggestions in our article “What is ‘Mindfulness’ and How Can it Help Me?“ You can also try meditation or listening to some relaxing music or soundscapes. Mindfulness can help settle and quiet a busy mind that won’t stop turning and wanting to “do.”
5. Sit with the discomfort of doing nothing. Like with anything that isn’t yet a habit, trying something new can feel uncomfortable and awkward at first. “Sit in the discomfort of doing nothing, and resist the urge to do more,” Lishman says. “You may find that you actually like the feeling. It can take some time to develop the discipline of doing nothing, especially for those who have busy minds and who are used to being busy all the time.”
6. Resist the culture of busyness. If you start to feel lazy for doing nothing, remember that niksen is a life skill and a healthy part of self-care. If someone asks you what you are doing when you are doing “nothing,” tell them that you are doing “nothing.” Own it.
7. Allow yourself to daydream. Mann’s research has found that daydreaming “makes us more creative, better at problem-solving, better at coming up with creative ideas. Let the mind search for its own stimulation. That’s when you get the daydreaming and mind wandering, and that’s when you’re more likely to get the creativity.”
8. Reorganize your environment. “Your surroundings can have a major impact on how much nothingness you can embrace, so consider the physical space in your home and workplace.” Keeping devices out of reach and creating a “niksen-friendly” space with a comfy armchair, cushions, and blankets can also help to change your mindset.
9. Think Outside the Box. If it’s hard for you to “do nothing” at home or work, try a new location—a park bench or a day at the spa. Doreen Dodgen-Magee, a psychologist who studies boredom and wrote the book, “Deviced! Balancing Life and Technology in a Digital World,” encourages people to host “boredom parties, during which a host invites over a few friends to … be bored together.” Now that’s a novel idea!
A few days ago, I walked by the bench—the one sitting in the middle of nowhere. Guess what? There was someone sitting on it! I couldn’t believe it. Someone who knew the joy and peace of “non-doing” had actually taken the time to stop (probably while on their walk), sit, and . . . . just do nothing.
Today, I think I’m going to do the same. I’m going to stop writing on this computer, put on my shoes, walk out the door and down the path, stop, sit on the bench . . . and do nothing.
I want to learn the art of “non-doing.” Wanna join me?
Guest author, Marci Renée, along with her French husband and four boys, is a global nomad who has traveled to more than 30 countries and has lived in the United States, France, Morocco, and Spain. She loves to travel, speak foreign languages, experience different cultures, eat ethnic foods, meet people from faraway lands, and of course, write and tell stories. She is a published author of children's picture books, memoirs, short stories, and poetry.
You can find Marci and her books on her website.
"The Cultural Story-Weaver," at www.culturalstoryweaver.com