How to Build a RAFT and Leave Well
Written by Marci Renée
Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash
We have been here before—too many times—”farewell parties,” “sending off parties,” “going away parties,” “goodbye parties.” Whatever you call them, they don’t feel like parties. They feel like funerals.
They are important—even crucial—but not fun.
Our family is preparing to leave again. It’s time to say goodbye once more. It seems that it would get easier, but it doesn’t.
We hoped our roots wouldn’t sink too deep while we were here. We knew we would eventually have to leave again, and the uprooting is too painful. Some things, you just can’t control.
The roots are deep, and it’s time to uproot. It’s time to say goodbye—goodbye to people we have grown to love, places that are all too familiar, foods, smells, and sounds. We’ll miss the delicious couscous and tagines, having a part-time house helper who became like our sister, the smell of the jasmine bush in our yard, hearing the waves at night when the windows are open . . .
At their core, goodbyes mark a time of transition.
In their book, “Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds,” David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken give us a wonderful acronym to help us make the journey through the transition of goodbyes.
To make a good transition, we need to build a RAFT. Just like four strong, foundational logs on the RAFT that will take us to a new destination, a good goodbye has four core elements.
R—RECONCILIATION
This first step—reconciliation—may be the hardest to do well. Whether we are the ones leaving or staying, we don’t want to move on and leave broken relationships behind. Doing our best to forgive offenses and seek forgiveness for our part in problems will set us up for smoother sailing—both before and after the departure. Becoming close friends with each person is not the goal here. However, we can make an attempt to request and extend forgiveness, so that unresolved issues don’t have a hold on our future.
Recently, my husband and I were able to have a much-needed conversation with a friend about some hurtful things that had happened a few years ago. We were able to forgive each other completely. This healing and reconciliation now allows all of us to move ahead into the next season of our lives in a more healthy way.
A—AFFIRMATION
The second foundational log of our raft is affirmation. Expressing our appreciation to people we care about helps solidify, in our minds and theirs, the value of the relationship. It summarizes, in a concrete way, the value and significance of the journey we had together. This can later be remembered by both parties.
We are designed to play a meaningful role in community, but we often don’t make the effort to share with one another the significance of that role. Think through this in advance, and be specific, even sharing examples of what you appreciate about the other person.
During our “farewell parties,” it has been meaningful to our family to have different individuals share funny (and serious) stories and memories of our time together, as well as what it has meant to people to have us in their lives. We have all had opportunities to express the things that we appreciate about each other. Many have written their heartfelt thoughts in cards that we can pack with us in our suitcases and read over and over again.
F—FAREWELL
This log of the raft is the one that we usually think of, but sometimes actually avoid doing. It is the real live act of saying “goodbye.” It is a mental and verbal means of accepting and acknowledging the closure.
We often think of saying goodbye to people, but it’s also helpful to say goodbye to:
Experiences (like an era of working with a person, your weekly couscous, or living life at a slower pace)
Places (a home, a room, a city, a favorite café, a cherished vacation spot)
People (not just those we love, but the people who made up our daily experience— the baker, the guardian, the cashier)
Animals (pets, even the street cats/dogs—possibly one of the more cheerful goodbyes!)
The actual act of saying goodbye is important to our family, because there have been unexpected situations in our lives where we didn’t have that opportunity. It doesn’t come easily and is actually something that we would like to avoid. It’s painful to say goodbye. However, we have to make an intentional step to bring closure for us—those who are leaving—as well as for those who are staying behind. It’s important to “make the mark” of goodbye—especially for our younger children who may not fully understand what is happening during times of transition.
T—THINK DESTINATION
Thinking about the future is certainly a part of transitions, and it plays a key role in goodbyes as well. It will help everyone—those staying and those going.
What will this next phase look like? What can I look forward to? What will take some time to grieve? Expressing these future hopes and expectations, by both parties, gives a sense of hope for ourselves and for the other person. While our roles in the other’s life are changing, we can glimpse into each others’ futures and be encouraged—seeing the continuation of the journey.
As we move through this time of transition, it has been helpful for our family to talk together, and with others, about our new destination—the next place we will call “home.” It helps us continue to move forward, and it helps those staying behind to release us into our next season of life.
Special note: If our children are going through goodbyes (leaving or being left behind), it’s important for us to gently help them walk through this process as well. Find ways to encourage our children to tell their stories and to express what they are thinking and feeling. One way is through art. Here is a helpful resource, “How to Process Goodbyes With Art—5 Powerful Ways.“
We can all feel the uprooting coming. My spouse feels it, my children feel it, even my world-traveling dog feels it. As soon as I get out an empty suitcase to begin packing, he crawls into it as if to say, “Please take me. Don’t leave me behind.”
It’s time for our family to jump on our RAFT for another amazing family adventure.
We have a plane to catch in just a few weeks, but before that, we won’t forget Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewell, and Think Destination!
Here we go . . . again!
Guest author, Marci Renée, along with her French husband and four boys, is a global nomad who has traveled to more than 30 countries and has lived in the United States, France, Morocco, and Spain. She loves to travel, speak foreign languages, experience different cultures, eat ethnic foods, meet people from faraway lands, and of course, write and tell stories. She is a published author of children's picture books, memoirs, short stories, and poetry.
You can find Marci and her books on her website.
"The Cultural Story-Weaver," at www.culturalstoryweaver.com