How to Handle the 4 Top Stressors of Expat Life
Photo by Douglas Schneiders on Unsplash
I stepped off a plane into the summer heat of Casablanca, Morocco with my two boys (then 3 and 5 years old). It was August of 1997. My boss and his welcome committee had all ended up on vacation the week we arrived, so we were on our own.
“That’s ok,” we told each other, “we can do this!”
We were excited for the adventure before us and easily brushed off getting lost in a taxi with no cell phone. We didn’t get outwardly frustrated trying to find food in a store where we couldn’t read the labels. Even trying to find our own housing with no native English speaker to help was ok. . . for about a month.
We started off with the honeymoon excitement and joy that you may remember. But over time, the stress of cross-cultural living settled in, and we began to carry around the weight of it.
Now, after all these years, we not only can look back and identify the stress we faced, but we can more easily see it in the new people that arrive each year.
Can you relate?
So, what are the common stressors expats experience?
The Top Four Stressors
1. Unrealistic Expectations
We come with high hopes and dreams about what our life overseas will look like. This can be good—no one would ever make this transition without some hopes. However, we often get weighed down by too many unreasonable expectations.
One of the things that causes underlying stress for those working cross-culturally is discouragement in their work. We just aren’t able to accomplish our goals like we thought we could. We can’t meet the expectations of those who sent us here. The plan takes longer, or the ideal resources aren’t available, or we didn’t plan on all the bureaucracy.
2. Too Much Change
Not only are we changing, but time zones, climates, geography, homes, food, and maybe even clothing and language are, too. We also are living among people with a different worldview who play everyday life by different rules.
It’s like being magically transported from playing American football to the middle of an ongoing soccer game, without knowing the rules or having the right equipment. It’s no wonder you feel stressed!
3. Relationship Strain
The weight of our expectations and the amount of changes our body and psyche are having to manage can throw us into self-preservation mode. Inevitably, this can put a strain on our relationships.
Married or single, we feel the pull of sustaining ourselves and start to pull away from partners or teammates in an effort to self-protect—making things even worse! Parents may tend to lash out in anger at their children under the weight of stress, and children may display big emotions or abnormal behaviors. Our relationships suffer when all our energy is going towards managing strain from all the changes.
4. Loneliness
The results of a See Beyond survey of needs among expats working in North Africa showed that loneliness, or a sense of isolation, was mentioned twice as often as any other need. The way we naturally react to unmet expectations, too much change, and relationship struggles is to isolate ourselves from those things and those people that add more to that weight.
Which of these four stressors do you struggle with most? And what can we do about them?
Here are some ideas to help with each one:
1. Tips For Unrealistic Expectations
It’s best to uncover expectations in advance whenever we can, but sometimes we aren’t even aware that we have them. One way to help with this is by filling in the blank for this statement: “It would be bad if ________ happened.” Fill in the blank with crazy thoughts to start with, but keep going until you start hearing things that actually could happen.
Think about what you loved about similar past experiences (a previous team you were on, for example) and write those things down. Now, consider if you might have hopes or expectations that those things might be true again.
For more ways to uncover expectations with others, read our e-book, 4 Ways to Uncover Expectations. This is a great resource to use with your spouse, partner, or your team. When unmet expectations have already occurred, you can learn how to deconstruct your expectations and find your true needs in this article.
2. Ideas for Dealing With Too Much Change
Transport some of your normal habits from back home to this new situation. Whether that’s eating pizza on Friday nights, wearing your normal clothing around the house, or calling your mom Sunday afternoons, be sure to incorporate some familiar rituals as part of your new routine.
Take note of what hasn’t changed, even the small things: spaghetti noodles here are similar to home, my husband still has his corny sense of humor, I still can journal each morning, people here have the same basic needs as people back home.
3. Steps for Relationship Strain
Identify your relationship needs and desires. This helps them become visible so you can notice when they are calling out for attention and may be tripping you up in your ability to care for others.
Learnto be the person you wish others were. Take time to develop your listening skills. Learn how to ask better questions and care about people self-sacrificially.
Read a great book on relationships. Two of our favorites at See Beyond are: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most and Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well.
Ask for help from others. Sometimes we can’t dig out of relationship strain on our own, and we need help to navigate what can be very dark and turbulent waters. Choose someone who has great, well-practiced interpersonal skills and has been trained to help others safely navigate the process. Ask them what training and experience they’ve had before inviting someone to help. Untrained people can actually make things worse.
4. Help for Loneliness
We’ve got a series of great articles on this subject designed to help you better understand the problem and give you some practical help to move you forward.
These resources are a great place to start with handling your stressors. However, you may feel you just don’t want to walk this road alone. You’d like to have someone walk alongside you, someone who has already been down this path.
If that’s you, please check out our Personalized Care options.
We know firsthand the stress and strain that living cross-culturally can bring to us as individuals, couples, families, and teams. We also know that there is hope. We can help you adjust your vision and find ways to move toward your goal of doing better, staying longer.
