A Better Approach to Active Listening

It was their weekly team meeting. Everyone gathered in the kitchen beforehand to grab a cup of coffee and some breakfast treats.

While pouring a cup of coffee in the kitchen, one of the team members said quietly, “I got a message from home this morning. My mother’s cancer came back.”

For a few seconds, no one spoke.

One teammate jumped in quickly: “Man, when my dad was sick last year, it was awful. I couldn’t focus on anything.”

Another asked practical questions about treatment options and if other family members could provide care.

But the third simply leaned forward and asked, “How are you carrying that news right now, being this far away?”

Later that evening, the young worker admitted that was the moment he finally felt seen.

Not because someone had solutions.

Not because someone shared a similar story.

But because someone listened in a way that made space for his experience.

Listening may be one of the most underestimated skills in healthy relationships, especially for many expats living and working in high-stress environments. 

Two Very Different Ways of Listening

We learn a lot of skills in life and at school—reading, writing, speaking, arithmetic. But do you recall ever taking a class on listening? I sure don’t. 

Most of us think we’re good listeners because we stay quiet while someone else talks. But there’s more to good active listening than that.

Me-Centered Listening

Me-centered listening happens when we listen for what matters primarily to us. We listen from our own shoes.

This kind of listening is completely normal and often necessary. We use it when:

• receiving instructions

• attending trainings

• listening to lectures or podcasts

• learning a language

• gathering information we need to solve a problem

In conversation, we naturally filter what people say through our own experiences, memories, opinions, and emotions.

Someone mentions stress, and we remember our stress.

Someone talks about illness, and we think about our own family.

Someone shares frustration, and we begin preparing advice before they finish speaking.

There’s nothing really wrong with this. In fact, it’s how most human communication works.

However, relying only on me-centered listening can quietly damage relationships, especially in environments where people already feel isolated, misunderstood, or emotionally exhausted.

Other-Centered Listening

Other-centered listening requires a shift in perspective. It means listening from their shoes.

Instead of asking internally, “What does this mean to me?” we can put on our other-centered listening hat and ask, “What does this mean to them?”

There’s a big difference between these two questions.

Other-centered ears listen for significance from the speaker’s point of view.

It pays attention not only to words, but also to pauses, tone changes, facial expressions, and underlying emotions.

Other-centered listening says:

• “Help me understand your experience.”

• “What is this situation like for you?”

• “What are you carrying beneath the surface?”

This kind of listening is rare because it requires intentionality, mental energy, and emotional effort. It asks us to temporarily set aside our own stories, fixes, comparisons, and judgments.

But when people experience it, they feel known.

And being known is powerful.

Learning to Notice the “Bubbles”

One helpful way to grow in other-centered listening is learning to notice what some people call “bubbles.”

Bubbles are small indicators that something deeper may be happening beneath the surface.

They can be verbal:

• “It’s been a rough week.”

• “I’m just tired.”

• “Things at home are complicated.”

Or non-verbal:

• a long pause

• slumped shoulders

• avoiding eye contact

• sudden silence

• forced laughter

• unusual irritability

Bubbles are invitations.

They’re moments when someone may be quietly asking, “Does anyone notice?”

Other-centered listening slows down enough to respond.

What Other-Centered Responses Sound Like

Imagine a teammate says:

“My mother went into the hospital this week, and being out here makes it harder.”

A me-centered response might sound like:

“I know exactly how you feel.”

“When my father was sick…”

“Have they figured out what’s wrong?”

An other-centered response sounds different:

“What has this been like for you being so far away?”

“That sounds heavy.”

“How are you handling the distance emotionally?”

“What part feels hardest right now?”

Notice the difference. One response redirects the conversation. The other deepens it.

Listening Across Cultures

This kind of listening also matters in cross-cultural friendships. In many host cultures across the Middle East, North Africa, and the Sahel, hospitality and conversation are deeply relational. People often communicate indirectly, emotionally, or through story rather than blunt statements.

Expats who listen only for information may miss what is actually being communicated.

Other-centered listening helps bridge those gaps. It allows us to hear not only facts, but values, fears, honor, grief, humor, and identity.

And importantly, it communicates respect.

People rarely forget how they felt in your presence.

A Rare and Valuable Gift

Near the end of that team meeting, the conversation eventually shifted back to ordinary things — summer travel plans, unrest in the region, the weather . . .

But something important had happened first.

Someone had felt heard.

Not analyzed.

Not interrupted.

Not compared.

Heard.

In difficult places, where stress accumulates quietly and emotional reserves run thin, that kind of listening becomes more than a communication skill. It becomes care.

Most people around us are carrying more than we realize. The question is whether we are listening closely enough to notice.

And perhaps the next time someone’s voice slows, their posture changes, or silence lingers a little longer than usual, we can resist the urge to immediately respond with our own story.

Maybe we can pause long enough to switch hats. We can intentionally remove our me-centered listening hat, put on our other-centered listening hat, and ask:

“What’s this been like for you?”

You can try out this skill in real time at our live, interactive webinar. Come and hear, see, and practice (with other participants) communication’s one power skill at our free webinar this September. Find more details and register on our events page.