Two Extreme Views of Singleness — And How to Find the Balance
If you were asked to imagine a typical single person, what comes to mind?
How old is this person? What kind of work do they do? What are their goals and hopes, their strengths and weaknesses?
What type of lifestyle do they have? How would you engage with this person in a social setting? How would you interact with them in a work setting?
Your answers to these questions likely reveal a lot about your view of single people in general and what your relationships with singles look like.
When I was living in North Africa as a single woman in my late twenties, I found that people’s ideas about singles generally fell along a spectrum.
Imagine a scale, in which one side represents what we’ll call the “plowhorse” view and the other side represents what we’ll call the “pet” view. The exact center of the scale represents what we’ll call the “partner” view. Let’s discuss what each view looks like.
The Plowhorse View
At one end of the spectrum, we see the plowhorse view of singleness. This view sees singles as those who can or should carry a disproportionate amount of the weight on teams or in communities.
This can look like:
Assuming that singles have nearly endless amounts of free time.
Expecting that singles should almost always be available to babysit or work late.
Seeing little reason for singles to say “no” or set boundaries.
Believing that singles have fewer needs than married couples; for example, expecting that singles don’t need to hire a house helper, purchase a car, or get check-ins about their personal wellbeing.
Expecting a single to live as a roommate with any other single person of the same gender, without consideration for compatibility or other factors.
I once traveled for a two-week professional development training with an organization in my field; the only lodging they offered for a single woman was the couch in another single woman’s apartment.
Sleeping on a stranger’s couch for two weeks did not appeal to me, so I decided to pay for my own Airbnb. Still, the organization’s lack of consideration for my needs (and the needs of the hostess!) shocked me, because it’s unlikely that a married couple would have been expected to sleep on someone’s couch.
The Pet View
At the other end of the spectrum lies the pet view. While the plowhorse view tends to neglect singles’ need for care, the pet view over-emphasizes their need for care.
This often looks like:
Treating singles, regardless of their age, as if they live in a type of extended adolescence.
Not taking singles seriously when they make commitments because they might meet someone and change course to get married on short notice.
Inviting singles to social events but rarely expecting them to host or contribute.
Not asking singles for help or input with family-related struggles, even if they are family therapists, teachers, pediatricians, the eldest of large families, or otherwise experienced with family issues.
Passing over singles for leadership positions for which they are otherwise qualified because they are considered not stable or not experienced enough.
When I lived in North Africa, other expatriates I met often assumed I was in an exchange program or internship, even though I was in a full-time, long-term position. Once, I attended an expat holiday potluck and learned that the hostess hadn’t expected me to contribute a dish since I was “only one person.”
Even though I was in my late twenties, it was as though many people had a strange expectation that I was more like a teenager with a day job than an adult. While these people were typically kind and well intentioned, it often led to an unhealthy dynamic in which I felt a need to prove to people that I was an adult.
The Partner View
The issue with both the pet and plowhorse views is that they lie at the extremes. The plowhorse view says, “Singles should do nothing but give.” The pet view says, “Singles have nothing to give.”
Both views foster an unhealthy level of dependence. However, to have healthy relationships with singles, we must foster interdependence.
Interdependence means that singles have needs, and they have a lot to contribute.
This can look like:
Allowing single people to step into leadership positions for which they are qualified and giving them adequate space to rest.
Asking singles to babysit with appropriate frequency and allowing them to speak into your parenting.
Checking in on singles’ well being and receiving their hospitality.
Some of my best memories of single life in North Africa are from families with whom I became interdependent. I helped their daughter with makeup for a school dance; they brought me electrolyte drinks when I was sick. I made dinner for them when they’d been out of town; they encouraged me to rest during a busy season. I picked up their daughter from preschool when they had a busy day; they invited me to spend Christmas morning at their house.
Let’s Talk About It
Perhaps you’re reading this and feeling you may need to make changes to the ways you engage with your single friends and colleagues. Or maybe you can see ways that you’ve been viewed in less than healthy ways.
Discussing these topics can be difficult to navigate because they often bring up deeply rooted beliefs and hurts about gender roles, marriage, the meaning of maturity, and leadership qualifications.
Whether you are married or single, having open and honest conversations about your experiences and views is the best way to facilitate good relationships. Hiding our hurts or simply ignoring our blind spots may be easier, but it will not make our teams, workplaces, or communities thrive.
Just as we strive to approach our host cultures with openness and humility, we should also approach our friends and colleagues who have different marital statuses from us with openness and humility. So, how can we have better conversations about how married and single people engage with one another?
Ask open-ended questions: Ask questions that can facilitate conversation, such as: “What have been your positive and negative experiences of singleness?” or “What have your relationships with single people typically looked like?”
Name your emotions: If you are bringing up an issue in which you feel hurt by someone else, it is normally helpful to talk about how you feel first. Stating, “You patronize me” can come across as accusatory and cause the other person to feel defensive. However, the statement, “I feel patronized when you refer to me as a single girl rather than a single woman,” can be disarming and help the other person understand how you are affected.
Practice active listening: After asking open-ended questions and naming your emotions, ask follow-up questions that draw out people’s experiences, such as, “What emotions did that bring up for you?” or “What I’m hearing is ___. Is that correct?” Make sure you’ve listened well before offering solutions or making judgments.
Find ways to work together: Discuss expectations, share pet peeves, and be willing to apologize if you’ve hurt the other person. Explore ways that you can learn to work together effectively and make plans to keep the discussion ongoing.
If you find yourself in need of outside support, check out See Beyond’s events and services to hone your skills for navigating conflict and difficult conversations.
