Finding the ‘Gift’ in Feedback—My Journey to the Other Side
Written by Marci Renée
I’m a learner at heart. I love trainings and workshops. It seems like I can’t learn enough, take in enough information, discover enough.
However, not all workshops are the same.
Some fill you with head knowledge. Some hit you at a heart level. Some are theoretical. Some are practical. Some fall somewhere in between.
I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect when I signed up for the “Unwanted Feedback Workshop.” I had read the book, Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, upon which the training is based. It was a great book, and I learned some new things. What more was there possibly to learn?
I also didn’t love the topic. The word “feedback” made me cringe! All I could think about were hurtful, unhealthy blows of feedback that I had received throughout my life. Who wants to learn about “Unwanted Feedback”? My life experience had taught me enough!
Out of curiosity, I signed up, realizing that I might not get much out of the workshop.
Boy, was I wrong!
Six hours later my head and heart were full, and my tool belt was full of practical tools—just the right amount—not too heavy, not too light.
A New Awareness
One of the first things the facilitator said was, “Feedback is a gift.” What?! “Feedback is an opportunity to grow.” What?!?
I was about to embark on a journey—a journey to the other side.
It began with new awareness—an awareness that feedback is a part of my life, whether I want it or not. I am constantly surrounded by feedback on both sides of the coin—the giving side and the receiving side.
Feedback comes in all sizes, shapes, and forms. It’s verbal, non-verbal, solicited, unsolicited, helpful, hurtful.
If feedback is such a huge part of my life, I had better begin to understand it and figure out how to do it well.
That was my first big realization.
Next, there was an awareness of my personal needs when it comes to feedback. As we looked at the different types of feedback—Evaluation, Affirmation, and Tips—I became aware of my deep longing and need. I want Affirmation. That’s the kind of feedback I really like, but it’s not always the kind of feedback I get. Interestingly enough, although I give a lot of Affirmation—my “Feedback Language”—it’s certainly not the only kind of feedback I give.
Learn about “What Kind of Feedback Do I Want and Need?”
Another area of awareness during the workshop were my natural, knee-jerk reactions to feedback. Somewhere on the path between the input of receiving feedback—especially the unwanted kind—and the output of my reaction, there was a “messy middle.”
The ‘Messy Middle’
This “messy middle” was filled with the yuck of my family background, my past experiences, the weaknesses in my personality, and everything else. It rubbed hard. The feedback I was receiving was hitting my gut and causing some unpleasant reactions.
The feedback was hitting my “triggers,” triggers that I didn’t know I had until I took this workshop. Truth triggers, relationship triggers, identity triggers . . . they were all there, rearing their ugly heads.
As we worked through personal, real-life scenarios, I was able to identify patterns—unhealthy patterns of how I was responding to feedback. I suddenly became aware that perhaps the feedback I was getting wasn’t all that bad. Rather, because it was hitting my sensitive “triggers,” I was receiving it as something hurtful, rather than helpful. I had completely missed that this unwanted feedback might possibly be a gift, an opportunity for growth.
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What’s My Trigger?
It was eye-opening as I began to see, for the first time, that my identity trigger was being hit almost every time I received feedback. I became aware that there’s something there, something that I need to explore more deeply. There are unhealthy responses that I have learned throughout my life, and I need to notice them, identify them, dismantle them, unlearn them, and relearn some new ways to react—ways that are healthier for me and healthier for those around me. In the workshop, we were given some practical “Steps to Feedback Freedom” to get us started and to help us with this process of unlearning and relearning.
A Wide Variety
The “Unwanted Feedback Workshop” was full of variety, and the six hours spread out over two afternoons flew by.
—It was fascinating as we learned the neuroscience behind what is going on in our brains as we receive feedback.
—It was helpful as we watched the facilitators role play common feedback situations.
—It was interactive as we verbally processed in the large group discussions and in small cohorts.
—It was engaging as we met in pairs and walked alongside each other in our learning.
—It was personal as we spent some quiet, inner reflection time working through some of our own real-life scenarios.
Unwanted feedback . . . we all get it, all the time, whether we want it or not. It’s a part of life. It would be great to be more prepared to receive it—not just take the hits, not just survive it—but receive it well, grow from it, and see it as a “gift.” This workshop did just that—it prepared me!
Those six hours certainly took me on a journey—a journey to the other side. I came in cringing when I heard the word “feedback.” An internal shift has taken place. I can feel it. I now have a fresh perspective, new awareness.
Today, I can say with confidence that I now have new, practical tools in my tool belt. I feel ready and prepared to take them out and use them the next time I get feedback, whether it’s wanted or unwanted, solicited or unsolicited, verbal or nonverbal, helpful or harmful.
We are all surrounded by feedback every day. Do you need some new tools in your belt?
Learn about “What Kind of Feedback Do I Want and Need?”
“Today, I can say with confidence that I now have new, practical tools in my tool belt.”
I love what I learned. It’s already helping me so much. In fact, the day after the training, I had a real-life opportunity with my spouse to practice my new skills. And guess what? It worked! I was able to turn “unwanted feedback” into a gift and opportunity for myself and for my partner.
I’d like to invite you to take this workshop the next time it’s offered. It will show up on the Events Page. Better yet, sign up today for the See Beyond newsletter (at the bottom of this page), so you can hear about it right away.
Learn more and sign up for our Feedback workshops below:
Better Than Feedback
Unwanted feedback
Guest author, Marci Renée, along with her French husband and four boys, is a global nomad who has traveled to more than 30 countries and has lived in the United States, France, Morocco, and Spain. She loves to travel, speak foreign languages, experience different cultures, eat ethnic foods, meet people from faraway lands, and of course, write and tell stories. She is a published author of children's picture books, memoirs, short stories, and poetry.
You can find Marci and her books on her website.
"The Cultural Story-Weaver," at www.culturalstoryweaver.com