What if My TCK Is Hurt? Identifying Risks for Childhood Abuse Among TCKS

Photo by Andrew Moca on Unsplash

This article covers a difficult and potentially triggering topic: childhood abuse. Please take care of yourself, use tools to stay in your window of tolerance, and seek help if needed. 

We often want to assume that upsetting experiences will happen to other people, not to us or our family. A lack of awareness, though, can lead to denial, hiding, or shame that can increase harm. When we face the reality of tragedies like abuse, we can help survivors feel seen and seek help—and perhaps even prevent the tragedy in the first place. 

According to Lauren Wells, author of Unstacking Your Grief Tower, Third Culture Kids (TCKs) have on average 20 “blocks” of unprocessed grief. Unfortunately, many of those blocks—such as loss, neglect, or a feeling of unbelonging—can lead to an even bigger grief: childhood abuse. 

My aunt,* a TCK, experienced persistent abuse as a child from a member of her extended family. In her community, children were encouraged to obey all adults as authority figures, the experiences of children were not valued or believed, and all topics around sexuality were surrounded with deep shame. She felt emotional neglect and disinterest from her parents—the children were expected to “just figure it out” whenever they were hurt or felt unsafe. Her parents’ focus was always on their work, on helping everyone but their children. They were busy mentoring, hosting, and maintaining a life in a country that was not their passport country. 

As a result, she didn’t tell anyone about the abuse she endured, not even her parents, until she was in her late teens. When she did tell her parents, they were slow to respond, and took years to cut the abuser out of their lives. They didn’t know what to do or how to protect her. 

My aunt expressed that the neglect from her parents made her more vulnerable to abuse. Not only that, but her parents’ insufficient response to her report hurt her almost more than the abuse itself. 

Child abuse is a terrifying concept, and one which we often want to avoid. It may be tempting, as adults, to ignore the possibility and assume that the children around us live in a state of innocence, having never experienced harm. On the other side of the spectrum, we may slip into constant fear and hyper-awareness, trying to protect the children around us at all costs and watching everyone around us with suspicion. In contrast to these extremes, healthy awareness of potential harm and wise precautions can help protect your family from abuse. 

Risk Factors in TCKs

Third Culture Kids often experience more instability than other kids their age. In a survey I posed to over 50 TCKs around the world, half of the respondents reported instability in their family, community, or country either often or constantly. 

According to the survey respondents, TCKs often respond to that instability by shutting down their emotions (41%) and struggling with relationships (46%). A third of the respondents reported that their parents tried to help them manage their emotions, but were not equipped to do it well. One TCK said, “My parents were also dealing with their own losses and emotions so they may not have had the capacity to also deal with mine. There was a pressure to figure it out on your own because you didn’t want to cause your parents more stress.” 

This common experience among TCKs may make them less likely to report poor treatment, manipulation, and physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. 

According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), some risk factors for child abuse may include: 

• Communities where residents move frequently.

• Families who are isolated from others, such as their extended family.

• Caregivers with mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety.

• Caregivers experiencing high levels of parenting stress.

TCKs often experience more of these situations: their communities are often transient, they live far from extended family support, etc. Many TCKs that I surveyed expressed that their struggles were “out of [their parents’] power to control or fix,” so they didn’t bother sharing at all. 

If a child does experience trauma, such as abuse, they are more likely to recover well and avoid PTSD if: 

• They have social support from people who are present and supportive. 

• They stay connected to others, such as friends and family.

• They can avoid self-blame and make meaning of their traumatic experiences by understanding how they can lead to health in their lives and the lives of others. 

Each of these points will require intentional decision-making from the parents and community of TCKs in order to build their resilience. 

What Can I Do? 

How can you create a safe environment in your home where your child feels supported and welcomed to share their struggles? Most of what you can do involves being present, engaged, and reliable for your child in the small, day-to-day things as well as the large, life-changing ones. 

I asked a TCK friend, Aubrey,* what may have made reporting her abuse easier. “When you are sharing abuse with your parents,” she said, “you have to feel like you matter, that you are believed.” What better way to help your child feel that they matter than to remind them of it, through words and actions, every day? 

From my experience as a TCK and the many conversations I have had with other TCKs over the years, I’ve compiled a few suggestions for how to help your child trust that they will be believed if they report abuse to you. Keep an eye out for an additional article with helpful tips on strengthening your relationship and trust with your child. 

If you need support for your TCK or yourself, consider looking into our counseling services and meeting with a caring professional who is enabled to help you process your experiences well.

* Permission given to share story.