The Power of the 'Gift of Listening'
Written by Marci Renée
Photo by Vince Fleming on Unsplash
There is something deep inside each of us that longs to be listened to, longs to be heard.
A yearning.
Something powerful happens when we are heard. It makes us feel known. It makes us feel seen. It makes us feel important. It gives us a sense of dignity. It makes us feel respected and worthy . . . worthy to be listened to. It makes us feel like we matter, like we exist.
Something powerful happens.
When Was the Last Time?
When was the last time someone listened to you—really listened to you?
Uninterrupted listening. No questions. No comments. No advice.
When was the last time I gave that kind of listening?!
This kind of listening is rare in our world. Rarely do we take the time to sit and really listen to someone—their story, their heart.
In this day and age, we don’t have time to stop and sit down with our friend, our spouse, our child. We don’t have time—and we don’t make time—to stop our hurried, busy lives long enough to hear someone’s heart and absorb their story.
But, we desperately want people to do that for us. We want people to listen, to understand us, to see the world from our perspective.
What if we took time to stop and listen? What might happen?
Recently, I experienced this, and it was a powerful moment.
All Kinds of Stories
As a debriefer with See Beyond and someone who works in government-run safehouses, I sit and listen to a lot of people’s stories. More often than not, these stories are painful and broken.
They are the stories of people longing to be heard.
I also have four children, some more talkative than others. My 7-year-old son is especially verbal and loves to tell stories about his life—school, soccer, friends. These are typically bubbly, joyful stories of events, experiences, and conversations that took place throughout his day.
A little boy longing to be heard.
But, what would happen? What would happen if my friend adapting to a new culture, my colleague who’s ready to give up on her language learning, that beggar at the outdoor market each week, my neighbor who can’t find a job, my bubbly, talkative child, or my husband who had a rough day at the office . . . what would happen if they didn’t have anywhere to go? What would happen if they didn’t have anyone to listen to them? What would happen if they didn’t have someone to give them a gift—the gift of listening?
Where would that story go?
The Bottled Up Story
That story probably wouldn’t go anywhere . . . it might just stay bottled up unless that person could find another outlet to let their story out.
Some people might lock themselves in a room to journal and process their thoughts, feelings, and experiences through writing. Others might pray and try to release their story through their faith. Others might belt out singing, go on a run, or go outside to kick a soccer ball against the wall—all in an attempt to evacuate what’s stuck inside of them.
Others might not even know there’s something trapped inside of them. Perhaps later that night, they might be angry and aggressive with their spouse or yell at their child. The reason is not because their spouse or child has done anything wrong, but because their untold story is seeping out of their pores in ugly and unhealthy ways.
Are you ‘Longing for Listening’?
Click here to access See Beyond’s free other-centered listening training.
The Power of Listening
What would change if we could give that spouse, that child, that friend, that woman the beautiful and rare gift of listening?
A lot could change.
I have watched—many times—the transformation that takes place when someone finally has the opportunity to be listened to, to be heard, to be known, to be seen.
Sitting at a round table with a human rights lawyer, listening to a traumatized, rescued woman tell her painful story, I can see the physical relief on her face as the bottle is opened. I can witness the freedom of her soul when the gushing story flows from her mouth. I can hear the release in her voice as the words come spilling out. I can observe the signs of transformation that take place when her story is finally told:
Increased dignity and honor
Sense of being valued/valuable
Relaxed body language and facial expressions
Increased self-worth and confidence
Openness to share more and be vulnerable
Yes, the powerful effects of telling one’s story!
I can watch the joy and excitement on my son’s face as his story dances into his mother’s patient, listening ears. He feels important, special, loved, and cared for.
Yes, the power of the gift of listening!
Photo by Alexandru Sofronie on Unsplash
The Sacrifice of the Gift
I don’t know about you, but listening doesn’t come naturally for me. I have to focus. I have to be intentional. I have to be disciplined.
“Other-centered listening” is unnatural. It’s trying to step into the shoes of the storyteller to hear and see the story from their perspective.
It’s not natural. I am selfish and much prefer to stay in my own shoes, with my own perspective and my own opinion.
Sacrifice.
Listening can sometimes be painful. Sometimes we are so impacted by the person’s told story that we can’t help but empathize and feel what the storyteller experienced.
I don’t like to feel pain. I certainly don’t want to feel someone else’s pain. I have enough of my own! When I sit and listen to the rescued woman’s broken story, I carry her story inside my heart and feel her pain.
Sacrifice.
Giving the gift of listening is also a sacrifice of time and energy. As human beings, we have a limited supply of time and energy each day.
I have a lot of things on my to-do list, and listening to my child’s long story of catching lizards during recess was not on it!
Sacrifice.
Giving the gift of listening requires discipline and focus. My mind wanders easily while listening, and I have to intentionally reign it in.
When I’m trying to listen to my spouse or a friend, I often catch myself already formulating my own thoughts, ideas, and words that I will spit out as soon as he or she pauses to take a breath. Sometimes I find that I’m not listening after all.
Sacrifice.
The Cost of Listening
Yes, this gift costs. The gift of listening costs us a lot.
However, if we stay focused on the change, the transformation, the release, and the freedom that our child, spouse, or friend will experience in return . . . the cost is worth it. As we learn to put others’ needs and interests before our own, we too will experience the joy of offering this priceless gift—their change and transformation.
Listening to someone is a sacrifice and does cost us, but, more importantly, it is also a great honor to hear and carry one’s story.
Who in your life could use this gift—the gift of listening—right now? Give it a try, pay the price, make the sacrifice, and watch what happens—the powerful effects and changes.
And, you just never know when you will be the one looking for someone to give you this same priceless gift.
Guest author, Marci Renée, along with her French husband and four boys, is a global nomad who has traveled to more than 30 countries and has lived in the United States, France, Morocco, and Spain. She loves to travel, speak foreign languages, experience different cultures, eat ethnic foods, meet people from faraway lands, and of course, write and tell stories. She is a published author of children's picture books, memoirs, short stories, and poetry.
You can find Marci and her books on her website.
"The Cultural Story-Weaver," at www.culturalstoryweaver.com