Useful Conversations Closers: How to Draw That Too-Long Discussion to an End
Photo by Jarritos Mexican Soda on Unsplash
I have a friend who once told me that she doesn’t know how to end a conversation. She had realized, as an adult, that she’d never learned that skill. As a result, she would often just keep talking. As she shared this with me, it helped me to understand why our conversations often felt one-sided. It opened my eyes to the many things that we learn along the way that are actually skills we were never formally taught.
This is an important skill. Knowing how to close a conversation or move on respects our conversation partners, gives space for their thoughts or story, helps us respect others’ time, and provides space for us to learn more about others through listening and asking questions.
So how do we draw conversations to a close? Whether we are the speaker or the listener, the following techniques can help.
If you are the listener and would like a chance to speak . . .
Reflect back what you heard (sharing the essence of what the speaker is trying to say) and share what it reminds you of.
When there is a pause, be ready to jump in.
If there is never a pause, attempt to gently interrupt, but let them keep talking. Use this method to see if they can wrap up their thought now that they may have noticed you’d like to speak.
Say, “Would it be alright if I shift gears/start a new topic?” or “Are we ready to move on?”
Interrupt, saying, “Excuse me, may I add a thought on the last topic before we move on to a new one?”
Use a hand gesture to indicate you’d like a chance to speak. If you’re in a meeting, actually raising your hand like you used to in school could work. If you are in a casual discussion, you might try raising your coffee mug and opening your mouth or giving the pause/stop hand signal in a gentle way.
If you are the listener and would like to exit the conversation . . .
If the speaker isn’t pausing to let you talk, but you need to move on (for another appointment or even just to keep your attitude in balance), in addition to the ideas above, you might try these:
Look at your watch.
Say, “I’m sorry, but I actually need to wrap this up. I have to get going.”
Share something like, “This has been interesting (delightful, lovely, fascinating, etc.), but, sadly, I need to get going.”
If you are the speaker needing a way to wrap it up or hand it over . . .
Stop and ask a question like, “What do you think about (what I just shared)?”
Share, “Wow, I notice I’m rambling on. I’ll just stop there.” Then be silent.
Share what’s happening. “Wow, I’ve been talking for a long time. What about you—what would you like to say?”
Practice stopping at the end of an idea. Many people share in a stream of consciousness. When you notice yourself on a new topic, say something like, “Oh, I just realized I went onto a new topic. What are your thoughts on (our previous topic)?”
If you are someone who tends to grab the mic and keep going . . .
When the other person pauses, instead of sharing your thoughts, reflect back what you think they were trying to communicate and invite them to say more. “So, it sounds like _______ is really important to you. What else do you want to say about that?”
Practice silence. When the other person pauses, count to 15 slowly in your head before saying anything. Introverts, in particular, need some silence to think. This pause gives them a chance to add more if they’d like to.
Culturally, How Do You Do This?
In my home culture in the Midwest of the U.S, one method of exiting a conversation is slapping your knees and saying, "Well," with a tone that indicates you need to move on. My mother used to wrap up phone conversations by saying, "Well, I don't want to keep you too long,” or “I should let you go.”
I’ve asked some of our staff and See Beyond champions who live, work, or hail from various countries how conversations are wrapped up, and this is what I learned:
In Morocco, guests are sacred and are to be respected, so it’s very difficult to end a conversation in your home without being offensive. When you catch someone on the street and want or need to get home, some women will say they left something cooking on the stove. They are very apologetic if they actually need to close a conversation, including things like, “I’m so sorry,” to whatever wording they use.
In Chad, women share that they need to get home to make food for their children or their husband. This works as an “automatic” release of obligation from the conversation. One of the most polite ways a conversation is drawn to a close in any context for anyone, but especially on the telephone, is to share a series of blessings in quick succession. This signals that it’s time to end. Something like the following is common: “May God bless you. May you be well. May you go well on your way. May God keep protecting you. Praise God.” When doing this, you don’t actually say “goodbye.” You can just trail off and hang up.
In Mauritania, there is a tradition of serving three cups of tea during a visit. The host holds off on serving the third or final serving of tea until they are ready for the visit to end. When they begin cleaning up from the final cup of tea, it’s a gentle nonverbal that it’s about time to go.
There's one word they use in the Hassaniya language which is also used in other Mauritanian cultures. It is always a “wrap-up” word and means something like, "Okay then." If you hear it, you know that's the cue to move on.
In the Pulaar culture, if it's the morning, you could say, "The morning is not the king of the day!" which means the sun will get hotter so we should go get our work done now. Usually, women will refer to their work as a way to wrap up, sharing, “I need to cook,” “I need to carry water,” “I need to go to the market,” etc.
A British friend used to jokingly say, "Darling, we should go to bed now. Our guests need to get home."
As for Canadians, being nice is important, so some options are: “Well, it’s been so nice chatting with you…,” or “This has been so nice getting together today…,” or “It’s been so lovely having this chance to catch up together…thanks for coming over/meeting with me,” or “I would love to get together again and have a good chat…”
There are so many ways this is done across cultures. As cultural nomads, it’s sometimes hard to know how to approach leaving a conversation. We won’t always do it well, but when we can check our hearts and react out of a place of love rather than annoyance, we are well on our way to being sensitive to those around us—even if we don't do it just the way they might.
We’d love to hear how you or those in your host culture draw conversations to a close. Please post your discoveries or how this is done in the place you call “home” below in the comments box.