Loneliness—What it is and What to do About it
Written by Marci Renée
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash
Everywhere I look, people are together—together with their families, together with their friends, together with their neighbors. Mothers and daughters shop together at the market. Parents with their children play together on the beach. Friends hang out together in cafés, and neighbors sit together in front of their door talking, laughing, and sipping mint tea.
I sit alone.
My family lives on the other side of the world. I have some expat friends who work with me, but they are busy with their own families and their own lives. I keep trying to build relationships with my national friends, but it’s so hard to build trust and deep connection in a foreign language.
What comes to mind when you hear the word “loneliness?” Do you think of the man shipwrecked on a deserted island—lost and desolate? Or the single woman or widower who still longs for that lifetime companion? These are the most obvious images that our minds paint upon hearing the word “loneliness” or “isolation.”
But what about the woman who is surrounded . . . yet alone . . . in the marketplace crowd? Or the married couple who has grown distant and disconnected from each other over the years? Or the “Third Culture Kid” who just can’t seem to fit in and make friends at school in their host country?
“Loneliness is more than social isolation, more than being alone. It involves feelings, deep feelings of disconnection and rejection.”
Loneliness can be found in the hearts and souls of men and women around the world, in all contexts and in all seasons of life. It hits the young and old, married and single, urban-dwelling and those living in remote villages.
It is much more common than we may realize, with most people experiencing these feelings of disconnection and isolation at some point in their lives.
“A perceived sense of social connectedness serves as a scaffold for the self. Damage the scaffold, and the rest of the self begins to crumble.”
Loneliness is “a deep sense of emptiness, worthlessness, lack of control, and personal threat,” says John Cacioppo, author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. Loneliness causes stress, anxiety, anger, aggression . . . and even real pain, acting on the same parts of the brain as physical pain.
Here are several different types of loneliness with which you might identify:
Photo by Amy Elting on Unsplash
New Situation Loneliness
The “New-Situation Loneliness” stares us in the face when we don’t know the language, the culture, and the people in our new country. Everything is new! We find ourselves in a new city with new faces, new stores, new foods, new work roles and identities for us, and new schools and friends for our kids.
We don’t know anyone, we don’t know how to get anywhere, and we certainly can’t find anything in the local grocery stores!
We look around. Everyone else seems to know what they are doing. Everyone else seems to feel comfortable and “at home.” We, on the other hand, feel completely lost, and it feels terribly lonely. We aren’t physically alone. There are people everywhere around us. It’s strange. We are surrounded . . . yet alone.
Check out ThriveMaroc, where you can learn Arabic and ‘stop feeling like a lonely tourist’.
“I’m Different” Loneliness
We also feel (and see!) the “I’m Different Loneliness” big time when living as foreigners abroad. It doesn’t matter how long we live in a foreign country or how well we know the culture and language, we forever remain “different” from the nationals who host us in their land.
We will never be a complete “insider.” We will never fully look like them, talk like them, feel like them, or think like them. We will always be different.
This “I’m Different” loneliness can also hit us when we return to our “home” land for holidays and times of rest. We can feel like fish out of water.
It’s strange, because we actually carry the same passports as everyone else and speak the same language. We are native born! We look and sound like we belong in this country, our “home” land, but we don’t always feel like we fit in and belong.
Our way of thinking and seeing the world just aren’t the same as the people we are rubbing shoulders with . . . both in our host countries and our home countries.
No one seems to fully understand us. Our lives seem worlds apart. Sometimes, people even seem intimidated by us, because they can’t relate to us. Will we ever fit in? We feel completely disconnected, and it feels terribly lonely. Once again, we are surrounded . . . yet alone.
Friend Loneliness
When we first arrive in a foreign land, we don’t have deep friendships. We don’t know anyone, and frankly, we aren’t sure if we even want to take the time and effort to develop friendships and build trust with people to whom we may have to say goodbye in the near future.
Our kids feel the same way. It feels like too much work, and constant goodbyes are too hard and painful.
If and when we start trying to build friendships, the language and cultural barriers between us seem to keep us from moving to a deep heart level. It’s lonely. We are surrounded . . . yet alone.
Learn about other types of loneliness here in our article “Surrounded in the Crowd . . . Yet Alone.”
What Do You Know About Loneliness? What is it Exactly?
Learn something new about loneliness that may surprise you by taking this fun 10-Question Quiz.
Don’t miss out on the explanations at the end!
How Does Loneliness Affect Us Physically?
“This is Your Brain. This is Your Brain on Loneliness.” What does this mean exactly?
Loneliness is a hidden and silent threat to our health.
“It hides . . . and . . . isn’t typically seen as a threat, even though it takes a greater toll on our well-being,” said Jeremy Nobel, Harvard physician and public-health researcher.
Loneliness is hidden, silent, and potentially deadly, as it significantly shortens our life span.
“Loneliness causes real pain, working on the same parts of the brain as physical pain.”
Physical Effects of Loneliness
Stress hormones—cortisol and epinephrine—are released
Inflammation and weakened immunity
High blood pressure
Less restful sleep
Increased anxiety, anger, and depressive symptoms
When sick with viruses, more severe symptoms than those who aren’t lonely
Increased cognitive decline and dementia—twice as likely to develop Alzheimer’s Disease
“Fight or Flight” system is activated, feel personally threatened, tend to lash out at people we feel alienated from (aggression)
Increased risk of death of cardiovascular disease, stroke, cancer, respiratory illness, and gastrointestinal causes
Increased risk of premature death (more than if smoking 15 cigarettes a day or obese)
Read more about the physical effects of loneliness.
Mental Health for Expats Living Abroad—GoExpat
When Do We Experience Loneliness?
It Can Hit Us in All Seasons of Life.
Childhood / Youth
Many of our children, of all ages, make moves (some more frequent than others) from country to country and school to school. In each new place, they often walk through periods when they feel alone and different as they are forced to cross new language and cultural barriers. Our children are challenged to fit in, find new friends, and adapt to their new life.
In the book, Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, authors David Pollock, Michael Pollock, and Ruth Van Reken describe a “Third Culture Kid” (TCK) as a person raised in a culture other than that of their parents or the country named on their passport. They spend a significant part of their early development years in a place where they are not legally considered “native.”
Some of our kids struggle with feelings of sadness when they don’t have a friend to invite over for an afternoon play date or when they can’t understand the other kids speaking a foreign language on the playground.
Perhaps some of our children have been the only ones in their class without biological grandparents sitting next to them at the school’s “Grandparent's Day Luncheon.” Or perhaps your kids don’t even know their cousins’ names because they have spent so little time with their extended family.
These childhood experiences can lead to very real feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Check out what See Beyond offers for TCKs.
Young Adult / College-Age
Many “Third Culture Kids” leave the familiarity and security of their family nest to settle on the far side of the ocean or on the other side of the world. They relocate far away from the rest of their family and their parents’ life and work.
They may feel different as they rub shoulders with people from a culture in which they have not grown up. These feelings can lead to isolation and loneliness for our young adult children—even more than for the average college student who leaves home for the first time.
Studies show that loneliness is on the rise among teens and young adults, with the 16-24 age group the most likely to report feeling lonely.
Some experts blame social media for this growing loneliness, as it may hinder the development of real-world social skills that are needed to build close relationships.
“Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram may not be great for personal well-being. The first experimental study examining the use of multiple platforms shows a causal link between time spent on these social media and increased depression and loneliness,” says Science Daily.
Other research by the University of Pittsburgh Brain Institute shows that people using 7 to 11 media platforms are three times as likely to develop depression and anxiety than those who use two or less.
Single
There seem to be more and more people journeying through life alone. These “solo” travelers may experience loneliness and social isolation.
Loneliness in singleness can hit the young and the old, those who have never been married, as well as those who have experienced divorce or the death of a spouse.
Due to the growing number of people working at home alone, these feelings of isolation and loneliness may be multiplied, especially for those living as a single.
Learn some practical ways to care for singles and others in their loneliness in our article, “Caring for the Lonely in Lockdown.”
Married
Many believe that married couples are spared from loneliness. However, studies show that this is simply not true.
According to a 2012 study, which followed 1,600 adults over age 60 for six years, 43 percent of the participants reported chronic loneliness. Over half of those who reported loneliness were married.
“One of the most surprising revelations is the extent to which loneliness afflicts those of us who aren’t isolated in any traditional sense of the term, including people who are married or who have relatively large networks of friends and family” (Psychology Today).
There are factors which may contribute to loneliness within the life cycle of a married couple, such as the time when children leave home and the family nest feels very empty. The couple doesn’t always know how to relate to each other in this new season of their family life. In other seasons, couples may struggle in their communication with each other and not be equipped to overcome it on their own. As a result, the couple may begin to isolate from each other.
Get better connected with your spouse: Navigating Desires & Decisions in Marriage.
Season Abroad
For those of us living and working abroad, we can feel very far away from our families during holidays and important life events.
Because we live on the other side of the world, we may miss births, graduations, weddings, funerals, or other life events. We may not be able to be by the side of our aging parents when they are ill—or even when they die. We may not be able to help and support our adult children when they need us. Again, these experiences can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Season of Re-Entry
When it comes time for cross-cultural workers to return to their “home” country for a period of time, high re-entry stress and reverse culture shock may be experienced. Our high, and sometimes unrealistic, expectations can leave us disillusioned. We can feel lonely, isolated, misunderstood, and irritated with people back “home” in our own passport culture.
Debrief your initial year “back home”.
Aging
Those growing older are especially prone to chronic loneliness as they've often lost spouses, siblings, and a growing number of friends. Poor health, hearing problems, and a loss of mobility also greatly hinder social activity. This demographic seems to be growing, because life expectancy is increasing.
Which season do you find yourself in today?
There are feelings of loneliness and isolation in all the seasons of life. The greatest remedy is connection. We were designed to connect deeply with others.
Where will you find connection in your season of life today?
Read more about “Loneliness in All Seasons”.
Finding Friends in the Desert of Life
For those of us who feel isolated and alone, how can we find friends to connect with, especially when living in a foreign land with multiple layers of language and cultural barriers?
How can we find others to fill the deep void in our hearts and souls for relationships, those fellow sojourners to walk with us through life?
Read one woman’s journey in this recent interview with a middle-aged single Sarah, who lives in North Africa.
Would you like someone to journey alongside you? See Beyond offers Personalized Care.
When Loneliness Strikes, What Can We Do About It—Practically?
Strategies to Combat Loneliness
Talk to strangers. Chatting and small talk can help. The first step takes courage and risk, and different personalities approach this differently. It’s not easy for everyone to walk up to a stranger and say, “hello,” but the potential results are well worth it! It may very well fill a void in your life and in the life of someone else. Take initiative and be intentional. Use these opportunities to develop your social skills and to practice getting to know others.
Schedule connections with others. Be intentional about this, especially if single or working at home. We all need contact with human beings! Make sure you are trying to connect with others several times a week. Block it in your agenda, and make it a priority. Try scheduling a retreat or connecting with online groups, especially if you live in a remote area.
Share a meal. Someone once said, “Eating together is a form of social glue!” It fills the emptiness in your soul as well as in your stomach. In many of the cultures where we live and work, community revolves around food and sharing, so take advantage of this. Accept invitations from neighbors and friends, or take the initiative yourself. Invite friends over for tea or for a meal, or take a plate of cookies to your neighbor’s house. It’s culturally appropriate in many of our contexts to “stop by” for a glass of mint tea. Something powerful happens around a teapot—great conversations take place and friendships are deepened.
Learn the Language. Finding a local friend or neighbor can be a great way to build a friendship and to integrate into the local country.
Look for ways to connect with people in different circles of life. Try to spend time with different communities: expats, locals, people of different ages, cultures, and social classes. The variety of relational connections might be refreshing.
Take off your cultural lenses. Be vulnerable with your local friends as you get to know them—as vulnerable as you are with people of your own culture. Share openly about your struggles with loneliness as you are separated from your friends and family. This may lead to deeper connection and relationships, as our vulnerability and transparency build bridges of trust.
Don’t assume. Don’t assume that others are too busy or that they don’t need friends. Loneliness runs rampant in all parts of the world and across all cultural boundaries!
Be prepared for seasons and times when you may be more vulnerable to feelings of loneliness. Times of transition, holidays, and birthdays may be especially difficult. Plan these in advance—what you will do and with whom.
Put yourself in situations where you can meet new people. Join a club, do some volunteer work, sign up for a new exercise class, intentionally sit next to people on buses, on park benches, in cafés, etc.
Ask yourself, “What do I wish that I had more of in my life?” Look for those resources . . . activities, fun, people. Find a friend, mentor, or coach to talk to openly about your feelings of loneliness, if that is what you need.
Nurture others. All around us, there are people who would love to be cared for and nurtured, including the elderly, the sick, children, and even animals. Pets can fill the longing for touch and companionship. Giving and caring for others can provide both connection and closeness.
Exercise your creativity. This can help some people to connect deeply and to fill the void of loneliness and isolation. Even better, find someone to do this with—make a craft, pick up the guitar, etc.
Use social media wisely and sparingly. Create smaller social networks of friends for deeper and more genuine connection—small online groups that help meet a “felt need.” Limit or avoid social media if it is giving you a “false” sense of being connected. It’s not the same as contact with human beings. These long-distance relationships can lead us to think that we don’t need intimate face-to-face relationships, or maintaining these distant, “old” relationships can sometimes keep us from building “new” ones. In addition, seeing others connect (even if only on a screen) can leave us feeling empty—without that same connection in our own life. As a result, trying to connect through social media can sometimes increase our own feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Reframe your feelings of isolation as “solitude.” Spending time alone to reflect in silence and stillness can lead us to places of deep change and healing. Looking at solitude as a positive experience and as a life-transforming opportunity can get us out of the trap of self-pity and negativity.
Learn how to grieve well. Loneliness comes from loss. If you don’t learn to grieve your losses, you may have emotions leaking out in all directions. It's hard to be there for someone else when you're caught up in your own grief.
What Do We Do With Our loneliness?
Knowing about loneliness and recognizing the accompanying feelings isn’t enough.
It is not good for us to be alone, yet today, more than half of the American population feels the deep heartache of loneliness. We were not created for this. We were made for connection. Our brains are wired for connection. They languish without it.
What do we actually do with the heavy burden of loneliness and isolation that we carry? How and where can we find genuine connection with people that can fill the deep void within us?
See Beyond wants to walk alongside you. Will you let us join you on your journey?
Perhaps one of See Beyond's services can help you to find someone to connect with on a deeper level in a specific area of need.
If there are areas in your life that you can’t imagine talking to anyone else about, then counseling might be just what you need. Coaching, on the other hand, is a great way to build a relationship with someone who becomes a “thought partner” to help you move forward. If you would like to connect with someone regularly, someone who can come alongside you in your overseas life, consider Personalized Care.
Would you like support to help you combat loneliness?
Click here to schedule a free consultation with See Beyond.
Check out these other See Beyond resources to give you some ideas on how to connect:
Loneliness Facts and Stats Info-graphic
If you know someone who is feeling lonely, try other-centered listening (and the free video training linked at the bottom of that article) and invite them to tell their story.
Guest author, Marci Renée, along with her French husband and four boys, is a global nomad who has traveled to more than 30 countries and has lived in the United States, France, Morocco, and Spain. She loves to travel, speak foreign languages, experience different cultures, eat ethnic foods, meet people from faraway lands, and of course, write and tell stories. She is a published author of children's picture books, memoirs, short stories, and poetry.
You can find Marci and her books on her website.
"The Cultural Story-Weaver," at www.culturalstoryweaver.com