What To Do When There is No Time for Goodbyes
Written by Marci Renée
Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash
Goodbyes are never easy. They give you knots in your stomach. They make you feel sick. You dread them and want to avoid them at all costs.
Yet, we also know how important goodbyes are for healthy closure and transition.
Goodbyes are like stepping stones to the other side of the pond.
As hard as it is, we have always encouraged our children to say proper goodbyes before leaving one place to move to another. We are always intentional about seeing friends and family, giving them hugs, and saying “see you later.”
In these moments, there are often tears. It’s often uncomfortable. There is often pain and sadness.
Sometimes, it would be easier to just walk away—to not say goodbye at all. Just avoid it.
Sometimes, we have no choice.
When There’s No Choice
Ten years ago, our family had no choice. It was suddenly and unexpectedly time to leave our home in North Africa—the land, people, language, and culture we loved. For various reasons, we didn’t have the opportunity to say goodbye to the friends who had become like family to us.
It was hard.
It wasn’t until several years later, when we returned to North Africa for a family visit, that we were able to see some of those friends (many were no longer there) and bring closure to some open wounds in our hearts. We were also able to drive by our old house, visit the kids’ school, and go to my husband’s former place of work. Just being there and seeing some of those people brought healing to us all.
My 20-year-old son—10 years old at the time of our departure—said, “When we left North Africa, I didn’t fully comprehend what was happening. It wasn’t until much later that I realized how our sudden departure with no goodbyes really affected me.”
As a result of not being able to say goodbye to his friends and bring proper closure, another one of my sons—12 years old at the time of our departure—has adopted a protective mechanism of not saying goodbye to people. The pain is still there, ten years later.
What’s Your Story of ‘No Goodbyes’?
Lately, due to the COVID-19 crisis moving throughout the nations, there have been many overnight evacuations and rapid departures. Often, there is hardly time to pack a few suitcases. Sometimes, there is little or no time to say goodbye and to bring proper closure to relationships.
Here are a few recent stories from See Beyond friends and readers—
(These anonymous quotes have been shared with permission.)
—”With only 10 hours to pack and get to the airport, one family in North Africa was only able to say “goodbye” to one friend in person and another friend on the phone.”
—“This has been a traumatic experience. It creates feelings of guilt for not being able to say a ‘good’ goodbye to them. People may think that they don’t matter. I wish I could explain more to them. It has increased the feelings of sadness about leaving everyone. It’s a feeling of not having good closure.”
—“It has been crazy. We basically had to tell our staff and friends that we were leaving while we were on the road to the capital (airport).”
—“I wonder if it will get to a point when it feels like there’s a lot missing, because there wasn’t an official goodbye. We just had to leave the country. We didn’t leave the way we wanted to leave.”
—“We got the news of a flight last night. We were up literally all night frantically finishing packing. No sleep. Did not get to say goodbye.”
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What do you do when there is no opportunity to say goodbye?
1. Grieve: Be honest with the loss, sadness, and grief. It can sometimes feel like a death. Take time to work through your feelings.
As one six-year-old girl said at the moment of her family’s sudden departure, “I wish there were two of me, so one could stay and one could go with you.” *
The grief of leaving, especially with no proper goodbyes, feels like it’s ripping you apart.
2. Say virtual goodbyes: Thankfully, today’s technology allows us to do video calls around the world. We can easily call people that we didn’t get to see before leaving. Words of love and appreciation can be expressed. It’s never the same as seeing someone face-to-face and giving them a hug, kisses on the cheeks, or a warm handshake, but it certainly softens the sting.
Remember goodbyes lead to healing and closure for both those who had to leave and those who were “left behind.”
3. Say goodbye through written letters or cards: Express your words and your goodbyes in writing to those you have left behind. Invite your children to draw pictures to send. You may or may not be able to send your letter or card to the person (for example, if you lost a loved one); however, just writing out your feelings and your goodbyes will move the grieving process along.
4. Tell your story: Find a trusted friend, family member, or professional service provider to process and debrief your experience. Not saying goodbye can be heartbreaking—an emotional ordeal. Make sure that you take the time and make the effort to properly heal and close those wounds. Bring someone alongside you on this healing journey.
5. Process and release guilt or regret: Similarly to when you don’t have an opportunity to see a loved one before they pass away, we can sometimes be left with feelings of guilt and regret. Make sure these feelings don’t stay bottled up. Identify them, acknowledge them, journal about them, and process them with someone.
6. Forgive those who have hurt or offended you, but with whom you didn’t have time to reconcile: This can be done by video or text. It is for your benefit as well as theirs. Even forgiving without communicating to them is better than nothing. You can write an email expressing forgiveness, then delete it, or pretend they are in the chair next to you and speak it out loud.
7. Plan a return visit: If possible, plan a time, as soon as you can, to return to the place you had to leave. This can also include saying goodbye to special places—a house, school, a favorite hanout or café. When possible, take intentional time to personally see the people that you didn’t get to say goodbye to. If you had children with you when you left, take them with you for goodbyes and healthy closure.
Sometimes, even with a return to your past “expat home,” other friends may have left permanently. Sometimes you go back, but there’s no one there to say goodbye to. In this case, saying goodbye through a phone screen or through a written letter might be the only way.
8. Make a photo album or scrapbook: Assemble pictures of friends you had to leave behind. Keep them visually present in your home and in your lives. Talk about them, remember them. Using art to process goodbyes in any form can be helpful.
Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash
Make Intentional Plans
One of the families (mentioned above) who had to leave North Africa overnight already has plans to bring needed closure and healing.
They plan to write letters to some friends “in order to say a better goodbye,” as well as use technology “to stay in touch and continue to say goodbye little by little.”
“Personally, to address the pain that the experience of no goodbyes created for me, there will probably be some counseling in the future to address that and to gain acceptance of how this situation played out in the end.”
This family doesn’t plan to return to North Africa to live. However, they hope to eventually return to the country—both individually and as a family—to see people, say goodbyes, and bring more closure.
So, whether we lose a loved one unexpectedly, lose our home in a tragedy, or have to leave a country for health or security reasons, sometimes we don’t have the time and opportunity to say goodbye to the people, places, and things that we love.
Goodbyes are never easy, but no goodbyes are even more difficult.
When you can—as hard as it is—say goodbye. When you can’t, don’t lose hope. Closure and healing are still possible.
*Story shared with permission.
Guest author, Marci Renée, along with her French husband and four boys, is a global nomad who has traveled to more than 30 countries and has lived in the United States, France, Morocco, and Spain. She loves to travel, speak foreign languages, experience different cultures, eat ethnic foods, meet people from faraway lands, and of course, write and tell stories. She is a published author of children's picture books, memoirs, short stories, and poetry.
You can find Marci and her books on her website.
"The Cultural Story-Weaver," at www.culturalstoryweaver.com