How to Make Your Apology More Meaningful
Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash
“Why are you still bringing this up? I already said I was sorry!”
Has someone ever said this to you? Have you used this line with someone else? It’s not uncommon for this sentiment to come up.
I’m frustrated, because I said I was sorry—which maybe wasn’t easy for me—and now, I’m still having to deal with the topic that I thought was finished.
Or conversely, I know the other person said “sorry,” but I think, “They didn’t really mean it,” or “It wasn’t good enough!”
Why Do We Have This Problem?
Well, there can be many reasons. One common one is that the offended person didn’t feel fully understood, and the apology, as a result, felt trite or simplistic to them. Another reason is that it’s common for some to think that uttering the word “sorry,” no matter the tone or their level of understanding, should be sufficient.
It isn’t.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
What Makes a Good Apology?
Take a moment to think about what makes a lousy apology, in your opinion. Go ahead. Say a few things aloud, or at least come up with three things that make a weak apology.
Harriet Lerner, author of Why Won’t You Apologize?, shares nine essential ingredients of a true apology:
Does not include the word “but.” When I apologize, I long to share my why. However, we all know that when we receive an apology, the word “but,” followed by reasons, seems to negate whatever comes before it. Sharing your “why” is wonderful before you’ve hurt or offended someone. After the deed has done damage, your reasons often just serve to further alienate the relationship.
Keeps the focus on your actions and not on the other person’s response. An apology is about what you’ve done wrong, not about what the other person did. I remember growing up, my father used to say to my mom, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” UGH! If only he could have said, “I see my choice caused you some pain.” It would have been so much more helpful than making her feelings the focus of the problem.
Includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation. If what you did caused a loss of time or material goods, which you could actually do something about, do it, or at least offer to. Make amends.
Does not over do. Use genuine emotion when you apologize, but watch to see that your level of emotion matches the problem. If you were late for a meeting for the first time, the apology shouldn’t sound like you missed a million-dollar deadline or lost your friend’s child. And similarly, when you apologize, don’t exaggeratedly blame yourself in a way that turns all the focus to you, i.e. “Oh I’m sorry. I’m such an awful friend. I don’t know why you stick with me!”
Doesn’t get caught up in who is more to blame or who started it. The blame game only has losers, so don’t play it. Rather than blame, look for your contribution and admit it, regardless of whether the other party is ready or can even see their part. Be the first to step up the game and work to heal the relationship by admitting your part (even if it was a tiny percentage of the problem in your eyes).
Requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance. This, admittedly, can be difficult. I have some pretty ingrained habits that have been hurtful to others. Speaking before thinking is a big one. It is possible for us to change hurtful habits. Figure out what you did wrong, at its core, and make a genuine effort to change. Don’t just share that you want to change—make a plan and share a few steps you will take.
Should not serve to silence the other person. A good apology is key to turning around a downward spiral in a relationship and starting a new, productive, meaningful, and healing conversation. So, saying, “I said I’m sorry. Why are you still bringing this up?” just demonstrates that there is work yet to be done in your own heart.
Should not be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse. At times, our unsettled inner life is longing for reconciliation, but the other person isn’t there yet. Pushing our apology onto them when they’ve asked for space is unloving and has the reverse effect of what a good apology is designed to create.
Does not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even to forgive. Lerner, in her book, makes an interesting point here—that apologies shouldn’t shift responsibility to the offended. I believe that forgiveness is important, and to be honest, I do ask for forgiveness. However, we are never to demand it. And the heart behind Lerner’s ninth point, I believe, is that an apology is something we give. It’s not about what we get from the other person. Just because I apologized does not mean I merit something in return, even forgiveness.
An Addition: Communicating Apologies Well
I’d like to add a tenth to Lerner’s list.
10. Understand what makes an apology meaningful to the other person. As we’ve recently helped people in resolving conflict, another concept that’s been helpful is that of “languages of apology.” This idea comes from Jennifer Thomas and Gary Chapman, the authors of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Last. They more recently wrote The Five Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships.
Chapman and Thomas propose that there are five languages of apology and that, like love languages, you tend to express an apology in the same way that you like to receive it. So, if there are different languages, then when one person expresses an apology, the other may not even hear it.
The 5 Apology Languages:
Expressing Regret: Saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it. This one touches on the emotional aspect of an apology, expressing the guilt, shame, and pain of your behavior.
Accepting Responsibility: Saying “I was wrong.” These words touch on the “legal” aspect of the apology, expressing guilt—not from an emotional perspective, but from a right/wrong perspective.
Making Restitution: Saying “What can I do to make it right?” This one touches on the future, behavioral side. It is an expression of genuineness in action by changing future behavior.
Genuinely Repenting: Saying “I’ll try not to do that again.” This one speaks to a change in position, a turning around, realizing that one’s actions were destructive and making a choice to change behavior.
Requesting Forgiveness: Saying “Will you please forgive me?” This language demonstrates a realization of wrongdoing and can indicate a desire to see restoration. It also demonstrates a relinquishment of control since it puts the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended.
So, Why Apologize?
Why apologize? Because we were designed for connection with one another. We need one another. We are imperfect beings who hurt one another. Apology is a gift to help us take responsibility, admit our faults, express our regret, and potentially restore and heal relationships.
Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but I’ve learned that with practice—lots of practice—it can have incredible benefits for everyone involved. If you want to explore the topic of apologies more, below is a true story from my life. I hadn’t heard of Lerner’s nine points at that time, but I had been learning about taking a humble stance in healing relationships. May my learning journey help you in yours.
