How You Can Care for Yourself By Setting Healthy Boundaries
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We’ve all been there before—when life feels chaotic and messed up. That’s when overwhelm can start to flood over us. I’ve been there in the past, I’m there today, and yes, I’m sure there will be days like this in the future.
It’s interesting. I had never thought of chaos and disorder as a lack or absence of something, until recently when I was reading a book on the topic.
In Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, author Lysa Terkeurst says, “The absence of boundaries means the presence of chaos.”
I guess that’s what happens when there are no boundaries, no barriers, no lines.
Chaos. Disorder.
Everyone talks about the need to set boundaries, but how exactly do we do this practically in our lives?
I have a lot to learn in this area, so let’s learn from some experts.
What is a Boundary?
Let’s start by defining boundaries.
According to Cleveland Clinic’s social worker, Karen Salerno (MSSA, LISW-S), “Boundaries are the framework we set for ourselves on how we want to be treated by others and how we treat other people . . . it promotes physical and emotional wellbeing, and it respects your needs and the other person’s needs in a relationship.”
Salerno goes on to say that when our boundaries are healthy, they allow us to:
Retain our identity.
Prevent others from taking advantage of or manipulating us.
Promote healthy relationships.
Be appropriately assertive.
Strive for personal goals and establish empathy for others.
Terkeurst says, “Boundaries define and protect freedom” (Good Boundaries and Goodbyes).
In order to protect that freedom, we must learn the skill of boundary setting, which means “establishing and maintaining limits and guidelines in relationships, interactions, and daily life.” (Counseling Directory)
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All Areas of Life
I’m beginning to realize that I’ve never really been good at setting boundaries. The lack of boundaries has wreaked havoc in many areas of my life: my relationships, my work, my health, etc.
Relationships — At times, I have been a people pleaser and have not said “no” to a friend when I needed to. Feeling the pressure, and sometimes the control and manipulation, has led me to say “yes” to things that aren’t best for me or my family. At times, I have not been strong enough to stand up for myself, things that are best for me, my well-being, and my safety. The lack of boundaries may not have even been best for the person asking me.
Work — Sometimes, I have worked well over 40 hours a week, burning the candle at both ends, poring over my computer into the wee hours of the night, working all weekend, not knowing when and how to stop and “turn off” my work mode. I have not always taken a regular “day off,” not honored a day of rest, so that I can be fresh and at my best to serve my family, my colleagues, and my community.
Health—Often, I have not practiced good self-care, not allowed myself to have adequate rest, exercise, healthy eating habits, etc.
All of these disciplines, habits, and guidelines are boundaries.
Perhaps understanding the importance of boundary setting will motivate us to start putting this into practice.
Why is Boundary Setting Important?
According to the Counseling Directory, boundary setting is essential for our mental health for several reasons:
Self-Care and Well-Being
Boundaries help us take care of ourselves and prioritize our needs and well-being. They can help us lower our stress levels, prevent burnout, and maintain a work-life balance that is healthy for us and for those around us. If we set boundaries, we can allow ourselves more time and energy for those activities that are life-giving and not life-sucking.
Protection from Harm
According to the Counseling Directory, “Boundaries act as a protective shield, guarding us against toxic or harmful relationships, situations, and behaviors. They enable us to recognize and distance ourselves from individuals who consistently disrespect our boundaries, manipulate us, or cause emotional harm.”
Enhanced Self-Awareness
When we set boundaries in our life, it causes us to self-reflect. As a result, we can better understand our values, limits, and triggers. “This self-awareness allows us to make conscious choices aligned with our authentic selves and protect our mental and emotional well-being.”
Improved Relationships
Establishing good boundaries can also help us to establish healthier and more fulfilling relationships. This can lead to better and more open communication, respect, and trust. “By clearly communicating our needs and limits, we establish mutual understanding and create space for healthier interactions with others.”
Reduced Stress and Anxiety
Boundaries also help us from feeling overwhelmed and beyond capacity. We can focus on what really matters. When we exercise more control over our time and commitments, we live in a more calm and balanced mental state. This healthy state of mind allows us to better love and serve others.
Empowerment and Self-Esteem
“Boundary setting empowers us to assert ourselves, advocate for our needs, and protect our rights. It strengthens our self-esteem and self-confidence as we take ownership of our lives and make choices that align with our values and well-being.”
Prevention of Codependency
Setting healthy boundaries can also protect us from codependent relationships, in which our well-being can become excessively dependent on others. Rather, boundaries help us to maintain our autonomy, self-sufficiency, and independence, while at the same time establishing interdependence and healthy connections.
Now that we know what boundary setting is and why it’s important, we can tackle how to do it.
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How Do We Set Boundaries?
Some of us (myself included) may not have grown up in homes or families with clear boundaries. They may have been absent or blurred. For that reason, we may not know that we even have the right to set boundaries for ourselves, let alone how to establish them and keep them.
According to Cleveland Clinic, the first step to setting health boundaries is to recognize what our needs are and what we need to be healthy. This can include things like what we need to have good self-esteem and to keep our sense of identity.
Some suggested questions to help us discover our core values and beliefs include:
What do you need to be happy?
What’s important to you in life?
What makes you feel safe?
How much time and energy are you willing to spend with different people and situations?
Some other advice on setting boundaries:
1. Set up healthy boundaries early on in a relationship so people know how to communicate and interact with you.
2. Follow through on your boundaries so that people will learn to trust your boundary setting. Have consequences and be consistent if the boundaries are not respected. For example, if you have asked a teammate or colleague to not send you work-related phone texts on the weekend, and he still does, block him. Perhaps the consequence is that you will only communicate with him via email from this point on.
“A boundary without a consequence is just a good suggestion.”
3. If boundary setting is new to you, start small. This will help you to build confidence for future, bigger boundary setting. For example, if you need to start establishing a better boundary for yourself for adequate sleep, perhaps you will want to gradually move your bedtime from midnight to 10:30 p.m. Instead of jumping right to 10:30 p.m. and trying to establish a new schedule, gradually move your bedtime up by fifteen minutes each week.
4. Clearly communicate your boundaries. Don’t hint around and assume that people understand your unspoken expectations. If needed, use the word “boundaries,” “conditions,” or “structure,” so they understand what you are talking about.
5. Remember why you need the boundaries so that you will keep them in place. Is it to improve a relationship? Is it so that you can feel better physically? Is it a matter of safety for you or your loved ones? Is it to reduce your stress and anxiety levels?
6. Be confident and convinced of your need for boundaries. Boundaries are primarily for you—for your well-being. They are not for others. Keep reminding yourself of this until you start believing it!
“If I am not convinced of my limits . . . I’ll be weak at communicating my boundaries. If I don’t take my need for a boundary seriously, I can’t expect other people to take me seriously enough to respect my boundary.”
No More Chaos
I could use a bit more peace and order in my life. Replacing the chaos sounds kind of nice.
I’m going to get started with some of those questions to help me evaluate my values and beliefs. Once I identify what really matters to me in life—what’s important—I can evaluate the different areas of my life—relationships, work, health, etc. Maybe I will notice where things are chaotic, out of order, and unbalanced.
Boundaries aren’t bad. They aren’t to hurt me or others. They are for my good, for my well being, so that I can better love others.
I want that. Who wouldn’t?
