3 Easy Ways to Enrich Your Marriage Every Day
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It's hard to find time to enrich your marriage relationship.
There are people to visit, food to cook, emails to write, kids to gather, laundry to fold, and work to do. With only 24 hours in a day, where do you fit it in?
Also, living cross-culturally adds unique challenges to marriages.
Where is a fun place to go on a date where we can feel alone and not on display?
Who do we trust to watch the kids while we go out?
I’m frustrated that I can’t even hold my wife’s hand in public.
I don’t see my husband much when we go to our neighbors’ home in the evening, because he’s with the men and I’m with the ladies.
I’m so tired after the day’s endless tasks that I just want to be by myself.
What Does Marriage Enrichment Mean?
A strong marriage shares a deep sense of meaning. Couples support each other, feel heard and cherished, and are emotionally connected. Because humans develop and grow every day, this shared life with another is not stagnant. It's important to keep up with your spouse by continually updating your knowledge of him or her.
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who is well-known for his research on marital stability, calls this process “building a love map." This love map refers to the part of the brain that holds all of the information about the spouse. A couple who wants to expand their love map has made lots of room cognitively for the other person. They want to continue to learn and grow together. According to Gottman, "Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict" (Gottman, 1999).
Photo by Khamkéo Vilaysing on Unsplash
How to Expand your Love Map
1) Linger in your conversations.
A touchpoint in the day between husband and wife is often filled with business-y details—what food do I need to pick up at the market? Does the car need gas? What time are you leaving tomorrow? How did the kids do today? Those are important details to discuss, but if they are the only words between husband and wife, communication becomes stale.
Consider lingering after the daily details are dealt with. Take a big breath to clear your mind and prepare you to shift gears. Ask, "And what else?"
Maybe there will be more daily details to check off the list. That's helpful and fine.
Maybe, though, the conversation can go a bit deeper into comments that deal with emotions. Listen for those. "I felt angry that Zach punched the neighbor boy again." "I was so relieved after I got a text from my friend, Rose." Encourage, "Tell me more," when those come up.
This need not take long. It's simply staying with your partner for a little longer, with a desire to connect.
2) Check in about any recent changes in your life.
Even a mundane change counts here—a twisted ankle, the closure of a local store that you often frequented, a babysitter's unavailability. Big changes are probably more apparent, though:
A death or someone moving away in the family and friend circle
Moving houses or locations
Getting married
Having a baby
Making a job change
Making a big purchase (like a car)
Starting a new school year
When our circumstances change, our dreams and hopes can change too. Talk about this with your spouse. "How has this change affected you? What are you thinking about? How are you feeling?" Stay up-to-date with your spouse's current stresses and worries, hopes and dreams.
3) Add to the love map.
Here's a fun game to help know your partner in a deeper and current way. You'll need a die (if you don't have one from a child's game, you can make one like this ) and See Beyond's Emotions Chart.
Roll the die. The number rolled determines the topic.
1 = relationship
2 = childhood
3 = today
4 = future
5 = hobby
6 = work
After the die is rolled and a topic chosen, refer to the Emotions Chart and pick any emotion to describe that topic. For instance, if I rolled a 3, my topic would be "today." I look at the Emotions Chart and pick one or two feelings to share. For example:
"I felt appreciated when Grandma sent me an email today, telling me about her beloved garden."
"I felt regret that I can't see her garden."
"I felt awkward when I was buying olives and asked for two kilos. I panicked and made him put most of them back, because it was too much."
Use this sharing time to go deeper by lingering and asking, "And what else?" to help your spouse stay in one of those thoughts or emotions and explore it. The goal isn't to get through all of the topics or emotions, but to rediscover your spouse and grow to appreciate him or her.
These three simple things have the potential to enrich and encourage your couple connection. If you'd like to take your conversations one step deeper, consider pursuing the Navigating Desires & Decisions Training to help you learn how to reflectively listen and better understand your spouse.
Works Cited:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.